And Hiawatha Created Bean Bag
At some location on this round ball we live on is the place where the very first single celled organism became a multiple celled organism. What a glorious day that must have been. Then millions of years later there were footprints left behind on some beach where that organism's long distant cousin was first sea creature that decided to walk out of the water and onto the land. Eventually that sea creature became a hairy upright mammal and its friends one day discovered fire and developed a way to wield its amazing powers. After dropping some hair and adding some pounds the mammal became a balding quite human who would harness the power of the atom and eventually the ability to understand the building blocks of all things at their most finite and complex levels. We've seen Einstein grow beyond Newton and explain how time effects these finite levels and how they register in our overly complex brains.
We know very little about that single celled organism, the sea creature, the hairy upright mammal, and the balding quite human. We don't know exactly what made them special or allowed them to push the boundaries of the universe. Perhaps it was simply the right time or the right place. Or maybe it was a similar diet and favorite color. Because of the time between us we will always know very little about the lifestyles of these incredible biological entities.
With the use of modern scientific equipment and historical documents scientists have been able to pinpoint the exact events that took place directly before and directly after these super-beings caused a spark that would fuel human evolution for millions of years. So what were the single celled organism, the sea creature, the hairy upright mammal, and the balding quite human doing during the moments surrounding their universal breakthroughs? Science now knows that each of these beings was playing a mean ass game of Bean Bag directly before they would change the world as we know it. That's right, Bean Bag. Amazingly enough, after right after changing the universe by evolving beyond all possible limits each of these beings were spotted picking up a bag and continuing on with their previous game.
For hundreds of years mankind has gazed at the heavens wondering how exactly does one "evolve" and journey to that next level of existence. While there have been no scientific laboratory replications to date the facts are simply unavoidable. The single celled organism, the sea creature, the hairy upright mammal, and the balding quite human were all partaking in a mean ass game of Bean Bag at their exact moments of monumental evolution. The tides are rising and humanity is ready to evolve yet again…
Can you cause that spark? Are you meant to evolve beyond the norm? Find out. Come play Bean Bag.
I hate to break it to any of you creationists out there but unfortunately you're wrong… about almost everything. Scientists around the world spoke with God in a chat room and were told an entirely different story. The first day God made booze, the next couple days were spent in a furious bender but he remembers that when he woke up six days later with a splitting headache his first instinct was to create Bean Bag. It was during a legendary first game on day seven that God challenged the single celled organism and was defeated. His loss crushed his ego and his friendship with the single celled organism was destroyed. During the victory the single celled organism became multiple and then soon after everyone started becoming multiple celled organisms and they excluded God and the other single celled organisms from their group.
The first ever Bean Bag Tournament was a rematch of this original battle. It was well documented and is a legend I'm sure many of you know. This tournament included Jesus of Nazareth, the 12 Apostles, the Virgin Mary, Mary Magdalene, and Paunches Pilot. God communicated with Jesus, his son and star Bean Bag student, the names of the 12 greatest Bean Bag players on the planet, know later as 'the Apostles'. Jesus assembled together these outstanding players and they traveled the land scouting out the perfect location to lay down their Bean Bag boards. During this journey God informed Jesus to gather a virgin to cook and clean at the tournament, a whore to entertain at the tournament, and a miserable drunk to supply booze and humor. Thus became the first ever Bean Bag Tournament. The outcome is of course historic and a fable told to all children, Jesus looses and Pilot hangs him from an sick and twisted Bean Bag board. God felt defeat yet again as his prize student lost to the miserable drunk. The tides are rising again and God is ready for another rematch…
Has God been grooming you to win? Are you a miserable drunk? Find out. Come play Bean Bag.
- BR
